wow

Its been about 2 years since I've written anything on this at all. I feel like now is just the right time to get back to it, so that I have some semblance of sanity in my life right now. This is probably going to be a random rambling of words that only I myself will read, but I'm beyond the point of caring right now. I should probably be studying for my certification exam and or applying to some jobs which will never call me back, but I'm going to put that on hold like I usually do anyway. Right now I've just got to get this off my chest, because even though I have a strong circle around me I don't feel like they truly understand me. Hopefully my spirits will rise some time in the future with the attainment of my certification which will give me some job which I'll actually enjoy doing, which won't totally seem like a job. To those who say that they love their job that they never work a day in their life, that's a lie and a half. Every job has some sort of hardship which makes it a job, and not just something that they do for fun. And even if some say that they do it for the love of the job, that's a lie too, because it's usually for the money. This is shitty outlook but its unfortunately how much money rules and control the things that people have the availability to do. Anyway I've somehow managed to make it through college with a decent GPA and honors. Somehow I got pity on that one internship grade, but that was all for the lack of a better term, a fuck up in the first place, because the internship supervisor was new at it. I mean John was great and taught me a good amount, but his management and scheduling skills were kinda crap. And just as I was typing that I realized how much of a hypocrite I am for writing that, however my decision making wasn't affecting the grades and lives of four other kids, it just affects me. After the amazing highs of graduating, comes the amazing lows of post grad life. They aren't many of them, but unfortunately enough they still affect me greatly. The amazing vice like grip that Sallie Mae has on my nuts and that of every other college student is quite astounding. It will probably only get tighter with the high likelihood that I will probably go to back to school, whether it be for physical therapy, or strength and conditioning. I mean there are only a select few that are privileged enough to say that they can make out with a degree without any student loans. To those that have made it through working and paying it themselves, I give them all the praise, because that will be the toughest obstacle for so many to overcome. Before I trail off completely, the job market is also a strong kick to the twigs and berries, as the fact that I don't have any sort of formal certifications. This means that any sort of application of mine will more or less be put to the shit list, even though I have the experience necessary. Also the fact that Im trying to get my bone head move put down to a minor violation is still floating in the air, but that's a whole other thing, which I can go hours on, which would do me no good because I can do absolutely no damn thing about it. Who knows hopefully the gym around the corner is looking for some trainers. I'm kind of biting on that due to the fact that a. Its right around the corner from my house, and lunch and or any sort of breaks would be key, plus the travel time is basically non existent. Yet with my luck and inherent black cloud that seems to be looming over my head as of late, that's about as likely as me making it through a basketball season without getting hurt, which is 0. To not sound like such a pessimistic asshole, I am trying, but unfortunately not enough. One of the things which killed me going to Springfield, was that I lost any sort of drive that I had in high school. It was there after getting hurt, but once my senior season started it just went in a complete opposite direction. Especially as a senior, who the coach should be able to speak with, without any type of hesiation, cuts off any sort of communication, I had it. I busted my ass for 4 years, especially the last year, and I was treated like I didn't even exist. Like especially after knowing what I've been through, you still throw me the short end of the stick, scratch that you throw me nothing, and he expects for everything to be hunky dory afterwords. That's probably the biggest reason why I just decided to get exceptionally drunk throughout the second semester and let myself go. I was so depressed and in a funk, that I just thought that any sort of hard work that I would do wasn't worth it, so why even make an attempt in the first place. This unfortunately became a part of everything I did, including my school work. Like it got to the point where doing the bare minimum would be as far as I would go. And it has followed me throughout the summer to where I am now and I hate myself for it, because I know that's not who I am or who I want to be.