wow

Its been about 2 years since I've written anything on this at all. I feel like now is just the right time to get back to it, so that I have some semblance of sanity in my life right now. This is probably going to be a random rambling of words that only I myself will read, but I'm beyond the point of caring right now. I should probably be studying for my certification exam and or applying to some jobs which will never call me back, but I'm going to put that on hold like I usually do anyway. Right now I've just got to get this off my chest, because even though I have a strong circle around me I don't feel like they truly understand me. Hopefully my spirits will rise some time in the future with the attainment of my certification which will give me some job which I'll actually enjoy doing, which won't totally seem like a job. To those who say that they love their job that they never work a day in their life, that's a lie and a half. Every job has some sort of hardship which makes it a job, and not just something that they do for fun. And even if some say that they do it for the love of the job, that's a lie too, because it's usually for the money. This is shitty outlook but its unfortunately how much money rules and control the things that people have the availability to do. Anyway I've somehow managed to make it through college with a decent GPA and honors. Somehow I got pity on that one internship grade, but that was all for the lack of a better term, a fuck up in the first place, because the internship supervisor was new at it. I mean John was great and taught me a good amount, but his management and scheduling skills were kinda crap. And just as I was typing that I realized how much of a hypocrite I am for writing that, however my decision making wasn't affecting the grades and lives of four other kids, it just affects me. After the amazing highs of graduating, comes the amazing lows of post grad life. They aren't many of them, but unfortunately enough they still affect me greatly. The amazing vice like grip that Sallie Mae has on my nuts and that of every other college student is quite astounding. It will probably only get tighter with the high likelihood that I will probably go to back to school, whether it be for physical therapy, or strength and conditioning. I mean there are only a select few that are privileged enough to say that they can make out with a degree without any student loans. To those that have made it through working and paying it themselves, I give them all the praise, because that will be the toughest obstacle for so many to overcome. Before I trail off completely, the job market is also a strong kick to the twigs and berries, as the fact that I don't have any sort of formal certifications. This means that any sort of application of mine will more or less be put to the shit list, even though I have the experience necessary. Also the fact that Im trying to get my bone head move put down to a minor violation is still floating in the air, but that's a whole other thing, which I can go hours on, which would do me no good because I can do absolutely no damn thing about it. Who knows hopefully the gym around the corner is looking for some trainers. I'm kind of biting on that due to the fact that a. Its right around the corner from my house, and lunch and or any sort of breaks would be key, plus the travel time is basically non existent. Yet with my luck and inherent black cloud that seems to be looming over my head as of late, that's about as likely as me making it through a basketball season without getting hurt, which is 0. To not sound like such a pessimistic asshole, I am trying, but unfortunately not enough. One of the things which killed me going to Springfield, was that I lost any sort of drive that I had in high school. It was there after getting hurt, but once my senior season started it just went in a complete opposite direction. Especially as a senior, who the coach should be able to speak with, without any type of hesiation, cuts off any sort of communication, I had it. I busted my ass for 4 years, especially the last year, and I was treated like I didn't even exist. Like especially after knowing what I've been through, you still throw me the short end of the stick, scratch that you throw me nothing, and he expects for everything to be hunky dory afterwords. That's probably the biggest reason why I just decided to get exceptionally drunk throughout the second semester and let myself go. I was so depressed and in a funk, that I just thought that any sort of hard work that I would do wasn't worth it, so why even make an attempt in the first place. This unfortunately became a part of everything I did, including my school work. Like it got to the point where doing the bare minimum would be as far as I would go. And it has followed me throughout the summer to where I am now and I hate myself for it, because I know that's not who I am or who I want to be.

its been a while

shit i havent wrote on this thing in a while
eh maybe i wont have to cause the world is supposedly gonna end in a few hours
even thought nothings gonna happen well see tomorrow




-peace & love

Need to write some things

I just feel like I need to get some things off my chest. First of all I just want to write that silence, even for a few minutes is an absolutely beautiful thing. Not just to get away from the stresses of work, school, sports, people and everything and anything else, but to just appreciate the smaller things in life. I was just outside for about 20 mins and it just gave me time to think about trying and getting my life in order. I mean it seems like a good amount of people my age seem to have their lives planned out already. I don't know if thats because of the type of people here at Springfield already have their majors all planned out in their first year. But I just feel like they have it all planned out for them. Not to say that they know everything that will happen to them because nothing in life seems to go the way its planned to, but that they have a fair idea. I feel like I'm just lost in limbo. I really have no clue if I'm even headed towards the right major or not. I mean looking at life, I want to not only be successful in my work, but do something that I enjoy. I want to be able to say that I made a positive impact on someone's life one way or another. It's nice to have personal accomplishments and material things but you can't take those things to the grave with you. Once you're in the ground you're the same as everyone else. The only part of you that can live on is what's left in people's memories of you and what you did, said, or how you acted. Hopefully I can find some sort of path that will lead me somewhere in that general direction. The best example of what I'm trying to say is this quote from James Joyce. "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."
While thinking about if I've made an impact on others,I was scrolling through the names of people in my cell phone. While scrolling through, the names of my family members really stood out. I mean these are the people who have helped raise me, were with me in good times and bad, have loved me and cared for me unconditionally yet I realized that I don"t really say thank you, or I love you enough to them, especially my parents. These are the two people who have given up their worlds, any possible admirations and dreams, to give all that they can humanly do so that my sisters and I can life a prosperous and healthy life. I mean my father for example was drafted by the New Orleans Saints in the NFL. Yet he decided to not play because of the fact that if he got hurt again then he could be crippled and then that would lead him unable to provide for his family. If I could be as physically or as mentally strong as anyone on this earth it would be my father. Hes been through so much yet still gets up everyday at 4:30 and goes to work for the fucked up Postal Service so that I can go to school and get an education. He's not a very vocal person, but his actions show how much he truly loves his children. Even after working long hours he would still make time to play with my sisters and I in the yard, which he made seem like a giant playground. It's like he has an endless source of energy and has the greatest drive of anyone that I know. And he is true to himself in that if he has something to say, you're going to hear it whether you like it or not, and if you don't like it he doesn't really give a shit. The biggest impact this man had on me was his strength during his mothers passing. It was the first time that I've ever seen this man cry, yet he was still strong enough to go over every Sunday and help to take care of her to try and make the process as less painful on my grandfather as he could. The fact that he did this for about two years just shocks me. The other strength is my mother. It feels like what can't I say? This is the person who gave me life, fed me, clothed me, spanked me, healed me, helped me and loved me. She's been a coach, a fan, and a teacher. I'm tearing up right now just because of the memories flying by right now. I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost her. Seeing her hurt got me emotional enough this past year when one of her students pushed her up against a wall and gave her a black eye which still infuriates me. This woman put herself through college and worked her ass off, and is self made I think. She didn't work while raising my sisters and I. I mean we didn't really have much, and we still don't, but she and my father always made the best of it. She even went back to work when I was in the 2nd grade so that we could gather up some funds for us to be able to pay the bills and eventually help to put my sisters and I through college. She works from 7 to about 5 everyday and comes home exhausted. She has stories of working in the school system that some people will never think of. She puts in overtime and takes any position that she can just to get some extra money for us. She's driven hundreds of thousands of miles to take my sisters and I to countless games and tournaments. For putting in all those hours out of her day, I can never give those back, I truly appreciate and love her for that. I can keep typing, but for now I need to get my life in order and get some semblance of work done. After my 20 min revelation hopefully I can try and be more appreciative and hopefully one day make someone else feel as strongly as I do about my parents as they would me.

Peace & Love

Damn

Today was one of those days that everything went according to plan. It was pretty much smooth sailing throughout. I went to both my classes got all my work done and got back to my room in time to take a solid 3 1/2 hour nap. I mean I was loving life this morning. Even though I had to wake up and go right to lift, it wasn't even a bad time because were in-season so its a bit of a lighter regimen, but was still a good workout. Then practice went by solid. I played ok, didn't really fuck up that much and it was short. It only went for about for an hour and a half and brock didn't have a stick up his ass cause we won yesterday. Even the shower wasn't burning my skin off and was actually plesant for once. Even better they had fairly good food at cheney today and got everything that I wanted. It has been one of the better days for me on this campus. Like , for real, it seemed that everything was going fairly well minus the shitty weather, but hey its expected in december.
Going through my stupid little routine when I get back to my room, checking email and facebook and all that stuff and i found out that i had a message. I thought it was some bs stuff from a college group activity thing about a free t shirt but i found out it was from my sister so i immediately opened it. I wish i didn't open the message because it gave me shivers up my spine and made me sick to my stomach. I learned to my dismay that a close family friend, who was like another aunt to me had passed away. Ever since I saw those words it just reminded me of how short and precious life really is. That and seeing that its Jimmy V week just reminded me aout how truly privileged a person I am to be with full health and my family. Also it shows me that whenever Im a bit down I can just watch this and it always brings me back to good spirits.




To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.

RIP Eileen Kormann

Your time was too short and you will truly be missed

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

before i pass out

ive been listening to joe buddens new mixtape mood musik 4. Its a pretty good listen, its nice to hear this from him cause i was really a big fan of him, but hes definitely on his job with this one. I just kept listening to his second track which has this quote sampled into it from Rocky Balboa movie. Might be my new favorite quote so before i go to bed cause im sick as a dog, i leave you with this.

"I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life."





-peace & love

Second Chances

This year has already been pretty wild for me so far. I mean i've only been at school for a little over a month and a half and the amount of close calls I've had has been wild compared to last year. In the beginning of the year is when I've probably had one of my luckiest moments of my life. I had a recruit and took him out to show him a good time. The only problem is that i had a much better time then he did. Luckily I left him with my roomate and proceeded to go to my room. Unfortunately some ra's, saw me stumble on the stairs ( only happened because it was wet outside and i had boat shoes with a rubber sole). Then they came and got me when I was already in my room. But to tie this story up I got sent to the drunk tank. Luckily again my recruit was fine. If he got caught i woulda been fucked, possibly kicked off the team or even out of school. Fortunately my only punishment was to go to an alc edu class, but with my luck i missed it because i thought it was at eight and not seven. Fortunately they gave me a second chance and understood my situation so i got another date. This time I made sure I wrote this shit down and put it somewhere i could see it everyday so i won't forget.
Another time its the end of the night at a friends school and were taking people back to their dorms. We had seven people in a four door sedan with a bag full of booze. We just came from a party and we blew a blinking red light that no one stops at and of course after that happens all i see is flashing lights and everything just stops and I cant hear anything except my heart beating like a jackhammer. All I kept saying in my head was im fucked. I thought i was gonna get arrested and be stuck in Worcester without a way home. This was followed with my life flashing before my eyes and then repeating several our fathers and hail mary's. Luckily my roomate slick talked his way out of it and we didn't get in trouble, the kid in the back said the alc was his and we were able to drop the girls off and then get the fuck outta there. This was only a few weeks after my initial incident.
The week before that at UNH and few friends and I ran from a busted party. The shit that ive gotten out of this year is definitely going to stay in my memory banks for a while. What I guess I'm trying to say is that I've been really lucky to get these second chances. Without second chances my family wouldn't really exist. Whenever my dad gets a little too much in him he really opens up like anyone does. But he always reminded me that he truely believes that meeting my mom gave him a new lease on life. So whenever you have the oppurtunity or a second chance availible take it because you just might be saving a life or creating new ones.

-peace & love

just feel like shit

i haven't put anything on this in a while. And really i have no excuse for it. I make up excuses for too much stuff sometimes and i need to cut it out. As for the title that pretty much sums it up. I'm not sick in anyway possible, just feel like shit. I haven't done anything wrong to be ashamed of, at least I don't think so. I just feel like ass. Like i can laugh and joke and have a good time but then its back to shit in like 2 mins. I don't know what it is, I've just been in a funk. Feels like I can't do anything right. I don't want to say im depressed or anything, but it could be. I cant remember being happy without going out or drinking. Its just been shit even though i have nothing to feel like that about. My situation right now is good, great even, but i still feel like my shit is all turned upside down. I would usually tell myself to stop bitching and suck it up. Ive felt this waya few times before, but never for this long. Hopefully I can figure it out.

-peave & love