Great Expectations.........

Family means the world to me. Even though I may not show it at times, I love my sisters and my parents more than anything in this world. Being the youngest of the three children is an interesting position that I've found myself in. Both of my sisters have helped to break my parents in and made them less strict through their antics and different experiences. Also I get to learn from the mistakes that they've made or the lack there of. My sisters have been my biggest influences on my life and they still are at times.

Throughout my youth we were always together either at games or tournements or recitals or something basketball or school related.

Both of them are rediculously smart, going through the alpha program, one then going to hunter, the other to 194 then Francis Lewis. Both were part of the national honors society, took AP classes, earned college credits and were in shit tons of extra curriculars. Besides that they also played years of CYO, won diocesan, AAU tournements, nationals, recieved scholarships, played in the garden, earned full rides to d1 schools and played well too.

From an early age it felt like I never could compare to them. I didn't make it into the alpha program till the 6th grade, while they made it in the 1st grade. When I got there I struggled too, and left all of my friends that I had made in the past 6 years and felt like I didn't belong. If that didn't make me feel like shit enough, I failed the hunter test horribly, and didn't even get accepted to Francis Lewis. In high school I felt like I wasted my parents money cause they ended up paying 16 grand for me to go to xavier. Basketball wise I have nothing on them. I never got to travel with an AAU team outside of New Jersey. Never stayed with the same team, and I stopped playing in high school. I never went to nationals, and honestly half the time I hated it because I either didn't play or didn't really play that well. My high school career was the biggest bust ever. I was compared to an older kid and everyone thought I was pretty good. I was always hurt and spent just about half of my time on the sidelines. In the biggest game of my senior year I choked beyond belief. I never made it to the city championships. I only got looks because I played ok for a few weeks one summer, not because of my high school play.

It sounds like I'm complaining but its just to show the standards that were set and how for the most part I feel like I failed to reach. No one ever asks to be compared to anyone, but it always happens one way or another.

Its just like at times i feel that the only reason i do half the stuff I do is because of them. I feel like they've already made the path for me, whether it be for school, ball or whatever. It feels like I haven't made many of my own decissions. I feel like im living their life and not my own.

I mean I love my life, I just gotta make it more of my own.

I duno I'm just thinking too much again.

peace & love