I don't sleep cause sleep is the cousin of death

The most painful time in my life so far hasn't been getting physically hurt. That pain is only temporary. It is only there for the time being and then vanishes like nothing was there. Sure the scars can remind oneself about it, but it's nothing like the original in that specific moment of time. Every time I got hurt with my ankles, the usual pop and fire, hurt like a mother for the time being. But it eventually went away. The worst is the emotional pain. After a terrific event, it may seem like it goes away, but it stays locked away in the depths of your subconscious waiting to be unleashed. I know that I have one thing that I still can't get over which is the death of my grandmother. To me this has been the hardest thing in my life. I am the last grandchild, the baby of the family, and I like to believe that i had a special bond with here. And to lose this woman was devastating. I can still here the news from my mother over the phone in perfect detail like it happened yesterday. After a few months I thought that I was over it, but it was a complete and total lie. I mean i saw her get her last rights read to her by the priest that came to gave her communion while she was still in the hospital. Basically it was only a matter of days before she was gone. Fortunately she came home and I was able to see her a few times, what was left of her from the cancer that ate away from her. The day before she passed i didn't want to go see her because i thought that she wasn't the same person, she seemed like a ghost of herself. Then next day I was sick and got the call that very morning. After a few months, I thought that I was past all those images and memories which engraved themselves into the back of my brain. I thought I could be done with it. But I have my triggers which bring those all back in a fevered rush which overwhelm and paralyze my body until its completely numb, as if I don't exist for a few minutes. Whether it be going back to the same hospital, going back to my grandfathers house, going into the room where she stayed, or hearing about a death in general, a key unlocks those images, feelings and emotions and I lose myself. For me I don't think that it will ever go away. The rush and confusion of anger, sadness and pain is unimaginable that comes with every trigger chips away at myself until nothing is left. I hate to write about this, but i just had another flashback and had to get it off my chest.

peace & love

Home is where the heart is

Today I went back to the local park by my house where I've played ball since the sixth grade. I built my game there. I used to shoot all the time because I was too small and couldn't go inside. The hard fouls and the bullshit calls made there made me tougher and made me just play my game. It was one of the places where I first dunked a basketball, which will be a memory that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The love i've felt from people at the park will always stay with me. It has been my sanctuary for me. When going through hard times, its a place where i can shoot for hours until my pain leaves. It is a place where i can shoot and shoot for hours until its dark, and then shoot some more. It helped to give me confidence and realize that i'm not as bad as I think I am. The sad thing about the park is that it also showed me tales of people before my time whose game was great but never went anywhere with there lives. The fact that I see the same people evey time in the same state shows me that some of these people will stay in college point for the rest of their lives. I mean i love my town and the people in it. They brought me up, made me tough, helped me develop my game. My family has stayed here for 28 years. Its in my blood and my soul. But like the rest of my town I can't stay here forever. I don't want to die here. I want to go out and make a name for myself and eventually I want to come back here and help the youth and show them that they can make it out of here. To show them that there's more to life than just selling. I mean I don't live in the hood, but it's not the greatest place in the world. We have our mixture of gangs and violence. There's not a day where the sirens don't send me off to sleep. I mean coming back and seeing kids grow up it scares me. I mean i'm seeing kids now who seemed so innocent, but then they go into the wrong crowd and their lives go downhill from there. They start drinking and smoking at such an early age and it kills me inside. I mean I used to coach these kids when they were five and six years old, and to see them on the path that there on gets me everytime because I know what they could be better than that. They just follow the other fuck ups and stay here. I mean I will always love this place, but honestly not a lot of people get out of here and make something of themselves. I mean even kids I've grown up with have changed for the worst. I saw one of my boys today and realized that he's been to rikers island, gotten kicked out of his own house, is on food stamps and won't know where he'll be living in the next few months. And honestly it hurts me inside because he's been one of my friends since the 8th grade and I love him to death. But he's just so ignorant and won;t even go back to get his g.e.d. or a diploma. I wanted to yell at him for being that way, but I could never change his mind. He straight up said fuck school, if its not something that I need to know, then I'm not sitting in that class room, the streets have taught me most of what I need to know in life. Thats some wild shit to say. And then he goes about talking about how he's gonna get his rap game off the ground with a couple of battles. I haven't heard him do his thing of the mic, but I don't think that he's gonna be going platinum anytime soon. It just kills me to see the way he's going right now. I have to support him because he's my boy, but that doesn't mean that I like what he's doing. It's just that I know that he can do better than that. Unfortunately that's how a lot of people in my town are. They have all the potential in the world, but they end up blowing it on some stupid shit. I love my town to the point where I wanna come back and by my home from the owner. The memories that I've had here, both good and bad have helped me grow into the man and the person that I am today. The lesssons that I've learned from the streets have helped me as well, because you can't learn everything from your parents, you have to go out and experience it for yourself, and I've definitely experienced my fair share of things. When i'm older, I want to come back here and help the youth get out of here. I want them to realize that they can do better than this small part of Queens and that they can better their situation. Unfortunately there isn't anyone who can do that today. I want these kids to experience life to the fullest yet the fullest is only the borders of this town for most. This helps to drive me everyday to try and get out of here. The motivation from this town is more then enough. This town is full of blue collar workers who bust their ass everyday, where nothing is given to them and they have to earn everything that you have, whether it be money or respect. The thing is that you can either come from two directions which are a hard working family or your selling, and thats just the way it is. That "hard work" attitude will stay with me and will be passed on through my family because of this town. This place will always stay with me in my heart as will those who have helped me, but hopefully my world will be bigger than the boundaries of College Point.

When I dream of fairytales I think of me and shelly

I dont know why i get so nervous, at times but i do. Whether it be from basketball to schoolwork to girls, i get nervous. I over analyze way too much instead of just reacting. Whether it be the fear of screwing up, getting a bad grade or getting rejected, it always lurks like a silent killer in the back of my head, waiting for that one shining moment where I think that im in the zone and then it strikes like an assassin. It leaves my body paralyzed and lets my brain go a thousand miles an hour with my life flashing before my eyes as everything fades to black in only a few seconds. Then later that night I toss and turn as what I really wanted to do or say comes to me before i sleep leaving me up before i eventually pass out. Its really not a good habit, especially with the girls. Its like I just freeze at times and then before i know it she leaves before the words can come out of my mouth. This song just somes it up for me. I just got to stop being nervous and figure it out. I mean there is this one girl but i doubt it will happen, hopefully it will, but for now i just got to deal with it.

- peace & love

Fuck it

Family weddings are always interesting to say the least, especially with my family. Not to say that this wedding was horrible but far from it. It took me a few trys to realize that there was no general public around the reception, and if there was then the general consensus was to say fuck it, and have a good time, regardless of how stupid or embarassing you may look. Lord knows my sister did whose dance moves consisted of the hip check and something between the funcky chicken and the sprinkler. It was also nice to see my parents finally relax a bit and have a good time. Another guy who had a good time was my dad. Really don't know how that guys liver still works and how he danced that much. There was something a bit interesting was that he actually began to offer me beers, as lame as that sounds. Coming from my parents who were crazy strict finally pulled a fuck it of their own and loosened up a bit. As bad as it is to say, if there was a wedding on my dads side of the family, i dont think it would have been as big or as fun. I mean i love them, i mean their family, but i just feel that my moms side just knows how to have a good time and dont give a fuck about much else. It definitely made me realize that i care way to much what people think and you just have to be yourself and deal with what comes along with that whether it be good or bad. Thinking back about it now over the past year, my personal favorite moments have happened because someone said "fuck it." Whether it be with ball, school work or just hanging out with friends, it turned out well. I overthink shit way too much which usually causes me to not take chances. I know the famous "an unexamined life is not worth living" quote, but what is an overexamined life? To me thats just stressful. I gotta get to the point where i can just push away my conscience and just react instead of thinking. At the same time cant just go without discretion to everything that comes to you. I'll just have to figure it out one way or another.

peace & love

Damn its been a while

Its been a year since ive done anything with this thing right now. Actaully thought that i deleted this bad boy, but luckily I thought wrong and found it again. I've found this insatiable need to write ever since taking an english class again this semester. After not having one for almost a year and then being shoved right into it made me forget how I actually liked to write and express my opinions. Also this will help me to put some thoughts out which i really should let go or atleast shouldn't be said in public. So yeah here I am. This first year of college has blown by so quickly. The rate at which things happened this past year was rediculous. The ups and the downs, the friends made and the things that happened with them are ones that I'll keep with me for the rest of my life. From sports, to class, to the social life my eyes were definitely opened to a new and different group of people. Not to say that different is bad, but just interesting. I'm glad to have the different, just makes life more interesting. I got to stop using that word but my vocab is slacking right now so ill give myself a break.
The people not from NYC, which are most of them, at my school still just seemed too nice. I mean not to say that its bad, it actually freaked me out and it took me a while to get used to. I mean people just being that open to others freaked me out. With me coming where you have to watch what you say and who you say it to, made it a bit awkward. I mean some of these kids have no filter. They'll just walk right up to some random ass people and be like whats good. If that shit was said back here they'd be grilled and told get the fuck away from me, i dont know you. Shit at first I even grilled people and was like who the fuck are you? I guess it comes from just having to watch yourself. Seeing random thousands of people everyday on the train and the great silence that comes with it. I'm not gonna start a random conversation with someone on the train just cause theyre sitting next to me. Im gonna sit there with my headphones and bump my music and keep to myself, unless i'm with a friend. Its like the unwritten rule of the subway, you don't talk to random ass people unless your crazy, homeless, selling candy, singing, or preaching that the world is gonna end. At the same time it helped me to realize that not everyones an asshole either and that their are some really nice people out there. Not to say that New Yorkers aren't nice, but they don't show it all the time, thats for damn sure. Getting back to the weirdness, people told me to turn my music down in the beginning of the year because it was too loud when i was walking on the sidewalk. Wtf, just because i have it that way, if you dont like it gfy, seriously, you can walk ahead of me. Also people would just look and smile all the time either at me or other people and i would say to myslef what the fuck are you looking at? But thats just how some of those people are.
Believe it or not some of it did rub off on me because you gotta have fun at college because as they all tell you, and by they i mean parents, siblings, exc., it will be the "best years of your life." And usually being friendly helps when going out cause no one wants to be that guy. Unfortunately that culture shock will probably happen every year because i don't think i'm ever gonna get away from completely acting like that. But its whatever.
I also noticed that some of these kids have money out the asshole. I mean really these people have money on top of money. It seems like most of them don't know the value of a dollar. Its not like i dont like them, some of them are my friends, but they way they treat money is wreckless to me. I mean even my roomate, who is well off, lost 300 bones on one bet in a ball game. Like seriously dude, 300 dollars, that feeds my family for two weeks and then some. Also theres people that get money every week from their parents. Every week, and the shit could be anywhere from 100 to 200 bones a week. Are you kidding me? What the fuck. They spend that shit like its nothing, save that up and you get almost 3 gs at the end of the year. That stuff just blows my mind. At times I wish i was in there position, but then I realized that i'm thankful for what I have and the things I know. That was another the freaked me out because i've never really been around people that could go and drop 100 bucks at the small and not be the least bit self conscious that they just dropped that much. I mean i get mad at myself for dropping like twenty bucks on something, and some kids spend money like its their job. And everytime they go home they get a couple hundred, just for going home, like really?
Another thing that i realized is that so far this past year was a cakewalk. Like literally this has been the easiest year of schooling in like the past two or three years. Like my high school was so much more stressfull than this. Maybe it was the classes I took, but still, I was like laughing at shit. Hopefully i can get more of a challenge next year, because that stuff made me bored. Most of it was review I guess, but hopefully next year will be different. Reading over this i definitely sound like a cocky dude, but really, i need something new. Hopefully nutrition helps me out with that next year. Makes me sound like a bit of a nerd, but i guess i am a bit.
Sports were different too. I mean i'm glad I made varsity and played some decent minutes but the year still sucked for me. I mean in the beginnig and even during the year the practices were easier than they were in high school. We ran a bunch more and practices were easily two hours. This past year it was an hour and a half, and we were out. My year was trash. At first i was playing really well, especially in the scrimmages, in the first couple games i was getting decent burn, but my performance was slacking and because of that my minutes went down. Shit was depressing at times. It was either a decent day or I would just not be part of anything. It got to the point where i just wanted to quit because i was only playing like a minute or not even playing at all. I def didn't like my situation, but i gotta work at it because i know i can play with these dudes and do well, but i guess it just wasnt my year. Even thinking about it now makes me tight. But i just gotta keep working, fuck everyone else and what theyre doing and just play my game. The only good thing was that i wasnt hurt this year at all for the first time since the eighth grade. Being injured for 4 straight years fucked with my self esteeem so much that i didn;t even think id play college ball, but i proved myself wrong. Especially since i was gassed up with kids saying that i would be the best at my high school and then getting hurt. My high school career sucked in so many ways. I just wanna prove those people wrong with my college career and then shove it in their fucking faces. Anyway my bungees got a lot better which made me happy. The feeling at times was like I was flying or close to it and ill never forget that for the rest of my life. Hopefully with my work this summer things will turn around.
Another thing that i realized was that I really missed the food from home. I mean I would give my left nut for a good bagel or slice of pizza when I was up there. I mean really its just not the same at all. Some kids would eat the school pizza and be like its the best thing ive ever had. It just made me look at them and be like, wait what? and then i'd realized that they weren't from New York and felt sorry for them because they haven;t experienced the greatness that is real pizza. I mean when you order that shit they don't have slices, that shit freaked me out, especially since i couldn;t fold my food. That and chinese food. I mean the chinese food thier is cheap but again, just wasn;t the same.
Even though it was all different, the people, the campus, ball, the classes, I still liked it up there a lot. I mean i liked the small setting where you ended up knowing most of the people and where you were, it was kind of nice to see familiar faces and be with your friends cause the bonds you make with those people are so strong. It was ot the point where when people were leaving that some where crying cause their friends were leaving or they were leaving their friends. To me it seemed a bit rediculous, cause really, you'll be seeing those people in the summer, and its only a three month break and were right back at school, but then again people made some strong bonds. I know i definitely did, because it feels like I got a whole new family at that school. All in all, it was a crazy experience for the lack of a better term, and the friends that ive made their will always have a specail place with me. Damn, it feels good to get that off of my chest, I gotta do this shit more often.
- peace & love