I don't sleep cause sleep is the cousin of death

The most painful time in my life so far hasn't been getting physically hurt. That pain is only temporary. It is only there for the time being and then vanishes like nothing was there. Sure the scars can remind oneself about it, but it's nothing like the original in that specific moment of time. Every time I got hurt with my ankles, the usual pop and fire, hurt like a mother for the time being. But it eventually went away. The worst is the emotional pain. After a terrific event, it may seem like it goes away, but it stays locked away in the depths of your subconscious waiting to be unleashed. I know that I have one thing that I still can't get over which is the death of my grandmother. To me this has been the hardest thing in my life. I am the last grandchild, the baby of the family, and I like to believe that i had a special bond with here. And to lose this woman was devastating. I can still here the news from my mother over the phone in perfect detail like it happened yesterday. After a few months I thought that I was over it, but it was a complete and total lie. I mean i saw her get her last rights read to her by the priest that came to gave her communion while she was still in the hospital. Basically it was only a matter of days before she was gone. Fortunately she came home and I was able to see her a few times, what was left of her from the cancer that ate away from her. The day before she passed i didn't want to go see her because i thought that she wasn't the same person, she seemed like a ghost of herself. Then next day I was sick and got the call that very morning. After a few months, I thought that I was past all those images and memories which engraved themselves into the back of my brain. I thought I could be done with it. But I have my triggers which bring those all back in a fevered rush which overwhelm and paralyze my body until its completely numb, as if I don't exist for a few minutes. Whether it be going back to the same hospital, going back to my grandfathers house, going into the room where she stayed, or hearing about a death in general, a key unlocks those images, feelings and emotions and I lose myself. For me I don't think that it will ever go away. The rush and confusion of anger, sadness and pain is unimaginable that comes with every trigger chips away at myself until nothing is left. I hate to write about this, but i just had another flashback and had to get it off my chest.

peace & love