Damn

Today was one of those days that everything went according to plan. It was pretty much smooth sailing throughout. I went to both my classes got all my work done and got back to my room in time to take a solid 3 1/2 hour nap. I mean I was loving life this morning. Even though I had to wake up and go right to lift, it wasn't even a bad time because were in-season so its a bit of a lighter regimen, but was still a good workout. Then practice went by solid. I played ok, didn't really fuck up that much and it was short. It only went for about for an hour and a half and brock didn't have a stick up his ass cause we won yesterday. Even the shower wasn't burning my skin off and was actually plesant for once. Even better they had fairly good food at cheney today and got everything that I wanted. It has been one of the better days for me on this campus. Like , for real, it seemed that everything was going fairly well minus the shitty weather, but hey its expected in december.
Going through my stupid little routine when I get back to my room, checking email and facebook and all that stuff and i found out that i had a message. I thought it was some bs stuff from a college group activity thing about a free t shirt but i found out it was from my sister so i immediately opened it. I wish i didn't open the message because it gave me shivers up my spine and made me sick to my stomach. I learned to my dismay that a close family friend, who was like another aunt to me had passed away. Ever since I saw those words it just reminded me of how short and precious life really is. That and seeing that its Jimmy V week just reminded me aout how truly privileged a person I am to be with full health and my family. Also it shows me that whenever Im a bit down I can just watch this and it always brings me back to good spirits.




To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.

RIP Eileen Kormann

Your time was too short and you will truly be missed

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

before i pass out

ive been listening to joe buddens new mixtape mood musik 4. Its a pretty good listen, its nice to hear this from him cause i was really a big fan of him, but hes definitely on his job with this one. I just kept listening to his second track which has this quote sampled into it from Rocky Balboa movie. Might be my new favorite quote so before i go to bed cause im sick as a dog, i leave you with this.

"I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life."





-peace & love

Second Chances

This year has already been pretty wild for me so far. I mean i've only been at school for a little over a month and a half and the amount of close calls I've had has been wild compared to last year. In the beginning of the year is when I've probably had one of my luckiest moments of my life. I had a recruit and took him out to show him a good time. The only problem is that i had a much better time then he did. Luckily I left him with my roomate and proceeded to go to my room. Unfortunately some ra's, saw me stumble on the stairs ( only happened because it was wet outside and i had boat shoes with a rubber sole). Then they came and got me when I was already in my room. But to tie this story up I got sent to the drunk tank. Luckily again my recruit was fine. If he got caught i woulda been fucked, possibly kicked off the team or even out of school. Fortunately my only punishment was to go to an alc edu class, but with my luck i missed it because i thought it was at eight and not seven. Fortunately they gave me a second chance and understood my situation so i got another date. This time I made sure I wrote this shit down and put it somewhere i could see it everyday so i won't forget.
Another time its the end of the night at a friends school and were taking people back to their dorms. We had seven people in a four door sedan with a bag full of booze. We just came from a party and we blew a blinking red light that no one stops at and of course after that happens all i see is flashing lights and everything just stops and I cant hear anything except my heart beating like a jackhammer. All I kept saying in my head was im fucked. I thought i was gonna get arrested and be stuck in Worcester without a way home. This was followed with my life flashing before my eyes and then repeating several our fathers and hail mary's. Luckily my roomate slick talked his way out of it and we didn't get in trouble, the kid in the back said the alc was his and we were able to drop the girls off and then get the fuck outta there. This was only a few weeks after my initial incident.
The week before that at UNH and few friends and I ran from a busted party. The shit that ive gotten out of this year is definitely going to stay in my memory banks for a while. What I guess I'm trying to say is that I've been really lucky to get these second chances. Without second chances my family wouldn't really exist. Whenever my dad gets a little too much in him he really opens up like anyone does. But he always reminded me that he truely believes that meeting my mom gave him a new lease on life. So whenever you have the oppurtunity or a second chance availible take it because you just might be saving a life or creating new ones.

-peace & love

just feel like shit

i haven't put anything on this in a while. And really i have no excuse for it. I make up excuses for too much stuff sometimes and i need to cut it out. As for the title that pretty much sums it up. I'm not sick in anyway possible, just feel like shit. I haven't done anything wrong to be ashamed of, at least I don't think so. I just feel like ass. Like i can laugh and joke and have a good time but then its back to shit in like 2 mins. I don't know what it is, I've just been in a funk. Feels like I can't do anything right. I don't want to say im depressed or anything, but it could be. I cant remember being happy without going out or drinking. Its just been shit even though i have nothing to feel like that about. My situation right now is good, great even, but i still feel like my shit is all turned upside down. I would usually tell myself to stop bitching and suck it up. Ive felt this waya few times before, but never for this long. Hopefully I can figure it out.

-peave & love

mistakes

i fucked up

Im a nerd at heart

My nerdiness just came out again. I just told a whole bunch of people in the room that im with that I hate copying homework. Im the kid who actually wants to do their own work. Yes I'm that guy. I hate when I have to copy off people. I mean it helped me get through tough parts of xavier school which is basically where i learned how to cheat and not get caught, but I hate when I don't know whats going on in class. I was always the annoying kid that wouldn't let someone copy off them or share their homework. I actually like to do work. It might seem weird to some people, but it really just rubs me the wrong way. It feels like im just wasting my time and the other persons. I dont know. I just had to let it out in some way.

-peace & love

Back to the Grind

I've been back at school now for a few days and boy was I right about it being a little weird again but i think im used to it now. Its been kinda nice, especially the crossing of the street and not having to worry about some idiot coming for me. It has been a good time for the first few nights. It looks like its gonna be a good one, minus a few of the classes. They most of them seem pretty interesting, including psychology and nutrition. Hopefully after those they might help me to choose between the two for a possible idea for a minor. But today was just rough with the going through the sylabi and everything that was required for the semester. It was nice to see that I had some familiar faces in my classes instead of just being surrounded by freshmen like I thought I would. Hopefully things keep getting better as the year goes on but I can only hope.

-peace & love

Last Dayz

Last few days in new york right now. Really few as in two left. Im outtie five thousand early saturday morning. This summer has gone by pretty fast even though its felt like more than four months. Some of the days have felt like weeks while others have been minutes. There is no doubt that I won't miss the city at all. I mean I've only lived here my whole life, in this hot apartment in College Point. I've traveled to other places but this will always be home to me. And yeah I do love to go back to school and see everybody but it just isn't the same. I mean yeah the priveliges there are endless, but it just doesn't have the same character. It's weird to live without care or to watch your back. It's weird not having to worry about roaches and mice in your house. It just seems like an escape from reality. This at times is definitely needed because of how stressful it can be here but i really miss the New York attitude. Just people going out and doing it for themselves and thinking about themselves first before others. A perfect example is how people act on the train. Some french dude coming from the US Open today wanted me to get out of my seat so that he could sit next to his girl. He deadass wanted me to move so he could sit there. I straight up laughed in his face and asked him if he was fucking kidding me. Then just people wanting to sit right next to me and them getting pissed cause they cant fit. Just like what the fuck, go deal with it. I feel like in other places people might move. I miss that for the lack of a better word go fuck yourself attitude. Like people at school are just so open and verbal and feel free to talk to anyone. At home if I dont know you Im not gonna speak to you if I dont know you or if one of my friends doesnt know you. Why the fuck would I do that. Plus the drivers up there are way too weird. I was telling my boy eddy yesterday how they actually stop for you. I mean its nice and the right the to do, but its just really fucking weird. Its like theres no angry drivers up there, like road rage is non existant. I mean its just so unusual and it doesn't feel normal. Plus when random kids will say hi to you, just weirds me out man. I mean now that its gonna be my second year up there it wont freak me out as much, and wont take me as long as it did to get used to it, but theres still gonna be that weird week where I gotta remind myself to not tell this person to fuck off and instead say hi and maybe smile. I mean most of these kids dont come from big cities, but small towns where they basically go to the same school with the same bunch of kids from kindergarten through their senior year. With me and a bunch of other new yorkers its the exact opposite where we jump from school to school and see different people everyday. Who knows maybe I can convert some people to reality where not everyone is smiling and waving to you when you walk by and want to stop and have a conversation with you in the middle of the sidewalk.
In the end its a give and take cause I also have to learn that there are some people who support you and always aren;t out to get you.

-Peace and Love

Back In The Day

Recently I just turned 19 and it blows my mind. I still think I'm a little kid and still feel like one. Even though I'm much bigger and older, I can still remember most of my elementary school years. I remember how much simpler things were then. This came and hit me in the face this summer after working with ten to twelve year old boys, reliving experiences every other day. The flashbacks came and went and even scared me sometimes. The only difference is that I appreciate them so much more. I wish I could just go back and relive those years just to say thank you to those people who taught me, loved me, and coached me along the way to make me the person that I am today. But thats the thing about life. It's not perfect for a reason. We learn from those mistakes made, and hopefully don;t do the same again. I just miss those times and wish I could just stay there forever. I miss playing basketball and every other conceivable sport with my sisters and my dad. I miss washing the car with my dad and eventually having huge water fights. Playing wiffle ball with my friends, when staying up late meant till midnight, 90s cartoons, wishing I was in the NBA, watching my sisters play, traveling to tournements, sleeping over at my aunts house, roofball, being able to play an instrument, being so creative that I made my own comic books, drawing for hours on end, having best friends only a few blocks away, the simple joy of watching the simpsons before bed, and not having to worry about things because my family is right there. The only thing that really hasn't changed is that my family is still right here with me and I can't thank them enough for that. I coulnd't imagine not living with both my parents and my sisters under one roof and I have the utmost respect and sympathy to those who didn't because i will never know what you went through. Those younger times for me seem like they're better, but hopefully I can say that ten years from now by just living and doing right now.




-peace and love

Great Expectations.........

Family means the world to me. Even though I may not show it at times, I love my sisters and my parents more than anything in this world. Being the youngest of the three children is an interesting position that I've found myself in. Both of my sisters have helped to break my parents in and made them less strict through their antics and different experiences. Also I get to learn from the mistakes that they've made or the lack there of. My sisters have been my biggest influences on my life and they still are at times.

Throughout my youth we were always together either at games or tournements or recitals or something basketball or school related.

Both of them are rediculously smart, going through the alpha program, one then going to hunter, the other to 194 then Francis Lewis. Both were part of the national honors society, took AP classes, earned college credits and were in shit tons of extra curriculars. Besides that they also played years of CYO, won diocesan, AAU tournements, nationals, recieved scholarships, played in the garden, earned full rides to d1 schools and played well too.

From an early age it felt like I never could compare to them. I didn't make it into the alpha program till the 6th grade, while they made it in the 1st grade. When I got there I struggled too, and left all of my friends that I had made in the past 6 years and felt like I didn't belong. If that didn't make me feel like shit enough, I failed the hunter test horribly, and didn't even get accepted to Francis Lewis. In high school I felt like I wasted my parents money cause they ended up paying 16 grand for me to go to xavier. Basketball wise I have nothing on them. I never got to travel with an AAU team outside of New Jersey. Never stayed with the same team, and I stopped playing in high school. I never went to nationals, and honestly half the time I hated it because I either didn't play or didn't really play that well. My high school career was the biggest bust ever. I was compared to an older kid and everyone thought I was pretty good. I was always hurt and spent just about half of my time on the sidelines. In the biggest game of my senior year I choked beyond belief. I never made it to the city championships. I only got looks because I played ok for a few weeks one summer, not because of my high school play.

It sounds like I'm complaining but its just to show the standards that were set and how for the most part I feel like I failed to reach. No one ever asks to be compared to anyone, but it always happens one way or another.

Its just like at times i feel that the only reason i do half the stuff I do is because of them. I feel like they've already made the path for me, whether it be for school, ball or whatever. It feels like I haven't made many of my own decissions. I feel like im living their life and not my own.

I mean I love my life, I just gotta make it more of my own.

I duno I'm just thinking too much again.

peace & love

Almost there.....

I've been busy as hell the past few weeks with work, trying to stay in somewhat shape and doing this jumpsoles thing. It's gone by way too fast though. My average day fofr the past five weeks have been getting up at six, eating, showering, leaving at 7, taking the bus and 2 trains for an hour and fifteen minutes. Then walking to work where i get there at 8:30 after walking. Then i don't get out till 4:30-5 then i take the same trip home and don't get there till 6-6:30. After that i feel so beat i barely have energy to do anything. But ive been steady with this jumpsoles thing and I can actually feel the difference and I have 3 more weeks to go after just finishing up my fifth week. Also just after just starting this wild workout thing this past week with 90 reps of every lift, Ive been tired as hell, but its nice to get back into a sort of schedule. The only thing is that I haven't been shooting or playing as much as I like, but that'll get better after I finish this last week of work.
It's been wild that work has gone by so fast. The kids for the most part have been great and I really have learned a lot from them and I have realized that at times you can't take things too seriously. If so you just get burnt out. They help me at times to realize this with a little comment here or there where you can't really help but to laugh. I really do think I'll miss them when I go away to school. They feel like my little annoying brothers that it seems like I hate, but love them deep down. Hopefully all goes well this last week and that I can get this job again next summer. Even though there's those days where you just want to reach out and shake the shit out of them, I wouldn't trade it for the world. But for now I gott just keep doing my thing and hopefully more good things will come my way.

peace & love

Will i get like this, or does it already happen

I don't know if it's just me but at times my parents can be somewhat embarassing. Everyone says it from time to time, especially little kids when they get that extra hug or that extra kiss infront of their friends when they're about to leave or go play. I usually see it everyday at work with the kids in my day camp right before they get to the school yard when they're getting dropped off in the mornings.
Unfortunately I'm not talking about that kid of embarassment from my parents. With that you can't be embarassed and you understand as you get older that they just love you that much that it could be hard for them to let go, even for the day. I'm talking about when not only my parents, but when my family gets drunk. Most of my imediate family drinks a great amount, especially with family get togethers, vacations, or even on the weekends.
The most recent episode was with my father. I love my father to death and I can't change him but I wish I could on those really roough days for him because he just turns to the bottle pretty much all the time until its gone. I guess it didn't help him growing up that my grandfather had a drinking problem either. I mean before he had his double knee replacement it seemed like it was just for the pain, I mean he was killing a bottle of wine to himself every friday night just so he could be numb enough to not feel his knees. After that I thought he would stop going that hard. For the most part he did, but he still has those days. It takes him a lot to get plastered, but when he does he gets stupid drunk. Its not like hes a spring chicken either so when he gets up to go to bed i have to follow him to make sure he doesn't trip and eat shit. When he gets that bad to he says some depressing and truthful stuff. The filter is off and anything and everything that you don't want to hear comes out. Usually he just rocks out to his vinyl which is great, not because of his physical and mental state, but because of the selection and rediculous amount of music he has.
At his age i can't change him and honestly i would do the same and probably have, which is what scares me the most. It felt just embarassing to sit there and listen to him rattle off these depressing things about his life and how he looked like the world was about to end in the next few hours. I don't want to end up like this, but from watching others drinks seem to solve the problem temporarily for the time being and don't arise again till the next time i get that way. I see the damage, but at times its hard to prevent it from happening. Hopefully i can find some sort of middle ground or just control myself enough that I never get that way. The worst part about this is that this happens everywhere in this country and effects most of the people too. We all gotta get our shit together one way or another.

peace & love

Its been a minute

Its really been a while as for me writing anything. Work has kept me fairly busy which is bueno because more work = more money and thats what I really gotta focus on for the time being. The best thing was going up to see one of my boys from school last weekend for the fourth of july. I pulled a dickhead move by never texting my other friend while I was up there to chill, but thankfully i got to speak to him and its all gravy. It was just a stress free weekend. I mean we worked out, went to a carshow, chilled at the beach twice, made some money while doing work that required little thought and went to a party all in a 3 day span. Plus i just got to escape the city for a bit. I mean I love New York and always will, but sometimes I just need a break from the lifestyle and the people and work. At times I would trade life in NY for up there just because it seems simpler. However I think thats why I love NY so much. The fact that you have to go through some sort of stupid shit and overcome it everyday makes it great. The fact that we can roll with the punches and keep on going. Anyway it was good to see my friend again who I hadn't seen in a month and a half after seeing him almost everday for 9 months. He looks a lot better then he did at school, he got a shit ton stronger and his shoulder is looking one hundred times better then before. Plus hes getting bigger muscle wise, which hopefully means he'll play football next year which would be pretty crazy to watch. He just seems like a happier person too because he's one of the nicest kids that would give the shirt of his back for you if you needed one and it sucked to see him at times in the condition that he was in at school.

After a good weekend work started up again. This week was a smidge bit rough because of scheduling and it was the first week for the kids. Most of my boys are good, they're all a little goofy which is good because they are only 10-12 years old which is necessary, but I only got two kids who can give a hard time. One of them is special needs so he can't really help it and the other one is just a pain in the ass who gets annoying when he jokes around too much. Thankfully as the week went on they realized what the rules were and how they're gonna be enforced and they know that I don't play around, but I"m there for whatever they need at the same time. Next week should be pretty chill with the trips starting up. I'm just looking forward to some sleep and seeing the roots & talib on sunday night in bk. Even though i know noone looks at this, but I rambled a bit, but thats what happens when you don't do something in a while, you get sloppy.

peace & love

Beached whale sightings

At the beach it's cute to see little kids running around when they're naked and jumping into the waves. But when middle aged, and out of shape people are only wearing shreds of clothing and doing the same thing, the cuteness factor is nonexistent. Some of these people today blew my mind a bit. I mean it was my first time at the beach in about a year, and I clearly forgot how bold and or brave that some people are. I mean it was both men and women just wearing some rediculous bathing suits. I mean more power to them for having the self esteem to go out in public the way they did and be comfortable with their self image, but they looked rediculous. The amount of big girls wearing string bikinis was redonkulous, as I saw more rolls than in a bakery. To be polite it was visually displeasing. It also reminded me of how out of shape most americans are. There was one lady in a yellow shirt, and my sister pointed her out to me and said "hey look the sun came out." I then preceded to follow with "its like those jimmy dean commercials minus the suit. Speaking of Jimmy Dean, he just died." We both preceded to laugh fairly hard and then realize the special kind of hell that we're going to when we pass and how we'll save eachother a seat if we go before the other one.
Sadly enough though, that women was morbidly obese. Unfortuantely both sexes came out swinging today as the amount of man boob out, or chesticles as I like to call them, was quite unsightly as well. The worst were the older gentlemen who looked like they were wearing sweaters when it was infact a deadly combination of back and chest hair and to top it all off were wearing speedos. This one old guy looked like he stuffed a squirrel into his crotch. Makes me shutter just to think about it.
I mean i'm glad those people are comfortable with themselves, but they need to realize that they burn unsightly images into peoples heads that are hard to get out. Just think of the children when you go out in public, thats all I'm saying.

If you dont have something to say then why'd you open your mouth for?

A few days ago I went into the city to go play ball at my moms school and seeming that I dont have a license and have no car, I took good ole public transportation. However when I left the house I completely forgot what time it was. Not that I was going to be late or anything like that, but I soon realized that it was the time when St. Agnes, which is two blocks away from my apartment, let out. Thankfully it wasn't that bad and I got a spot on the q65 but that wasn't my issue. Thankfully I had my music to take me away to a different place so I wouldn't lose brain cells by listening to the unrelenting mindless drivel that was coming out of their mouths. If I didn't have my mp3 player with me, then I would have beat my head against a hand rail till things went black. Unfortunately at some times some of their conversations went through cause my head phones are pretty weak. I kept hearing random things, like "oh girl your hair looks good" at least twenty times from like four different people. Then they would say it to someone else, like they were stuck on repeat and thats all they could say. The worst was when the bus got filled and we passed stops with people and some girl kept saying "oh sorry, good try though" and her crew of 8 or 10 girls laughed as if they didn't hear it about eight times before. It just reminded me of how much I hated bus rides like that back in high school, but fortunately those days are gone. I don't know what it is, but I have a severe dislike for small talk. It just rubs me the wrong way. I mean if it has some importance like if its some sort of information you need to know, like asking about homework, or asking for directions where your recieving some sort of pertinent information instead of saying something just to say it then thats fine. Atleast you're getting something out of it. It annoys me when someone who rarely speaks to me just says some random shit to me and then keeps on their way, or says nothing else after that. If you're gonna have a conversation with me, then lets talk, but if you just gonna say "oh I like your hat," and then just sit there next to me for 20 mins without saying something else or try to say something when I'm walking in a different direction, please save your breath. I'd rather just get a head nod or a quick hi or hey. If your saying something just to say it, without any meaning behind it, then just don't say it at all. Theres enough people who say enough stupid shit on the regular, don't be one of them.

-peace & love

Im looking forward to running?

This summer, for the lack of the better term, is so big for me. The fact that I actually got a decent paying job definitely helps. I won't have to wake up at five thirty to walk to those evil golden arches and be pissed off everyday at the fact that i'm coming home smelling like some nasty fries. That and the fact that I would have to get up at the same time the next day and do the same thing all over again. I mean the other people that worked there were chill, but I wanted to reach out that drive through window and slap the shit out of the people in their cars some times. But thankfully I'll never be in that situation again now that I got this summer camp job. But besides having this summer job this is a big time for me for ball.
I mean this year i shit the bed. Whenever I had a chance to prove myself in a game, i fucked up. It pisses me off right now thinking about it because I know I could have played better in important games. Everyone said, oh you got some decent time as a freshman, but i don't want that. I want to actually contribute. The worst thing was that I played well in the scrimmages and in the beginning of the year, but I got to satisfied with that. I wasn't agressive enough. I feel like I'm back at high school because I thought that I'd play well, and in the beginning few weeks I did. But like in highschool my ass got splinters at the end of the year, but not because I didn't get hurt, i just didn't get any burn.
This summer though is all thought on work and ball though. I'm looking forward to working out and running because I don't want to be where I was before. I was so depressed in the middle of the year that I was a split decision from giving in my jersey atleast five or six times. The combination of not playing and playing like ass from time to time just made me feel like a waste. Like I was wasting my time, my coaches time, and my parents money. It was like I didn't matter at all.
Even though i felt like ass at the end of the season I still finished out. I've never quit at anything before in my life, especially at ball. If i did it would have just made things worse.
After I got out of my funk i realized that I was living out my dream. I never thought I would play in college. I was always hurt in high school and thought I would be done after that. But one summer gave me hope. After a few camps i got some letters from a bunch of different schools. Seeing those letters were probably one of the happiest moments of my life. My self esteem was through the roofs. I made my way back from 6 different injuries throughout High school, where people told me I would never be good enough. But I proved them wrong.
Now this summer I've got this chip on my shoulder to show the coaches in the fall that I can be a contributor. Every sprint, every lift, is all for the fall. Also the last game of the season is burned into my brain. That loss to WPI and the way we lost is also determination. Right now i'm just trying to think one day at a time, but I can;t wait for our first game against them. Theres gonna be hell to pay. But for now I just gotta think about the run tomorrow.

-peace & love

I don't sleep cause sleep is the cousin of death

The most painful time in my life so far hasn't been getting physically hurt. That pain is only temporary. It is only there for the time being and then vanishes like nothing was there. Sure the scars can remind oneself about it, but it's nothing like the original in that specific moment of time. Every time I got hurt with my ankles, the usual pop and fire, hurt like a mother for the time being. But it eventually went away. The worst is the emotional pain. After a terrific event, it may seem like it goes away, but it stays locked away in the depths of your subconscious waiting to be unleashed. I know that I have one thing that I still can't get over which is the death of my grandmother. To me this has been the hardest thing in my life. I am the last grandchild, the baby of the family, and I like to believe that i had a special bond with here. And to lose this woman was devastating. I can still here the news from my mother over the phone in perfect detail like it happened yesterday. After a few months I thought that I was over it, but it was a complete and total lie. I mean i saw her get her last rights read to her by the priest that came to gave her communion while she was still in the hospital. Basically it was only a matter of days before she was gone. Fortunately she came home and I was able to see her a few times, what was left of her from the cancer that ate away from her. The day before she passed i didn't want to go see her because i thought that she wasn't the same person, she seemed like a ghost of herself. Then next day I was sick and got the call that very morning. After a few months, I thought that I was past all those images and memories which engraved themselves into the back of my brain. I thought I could be done with it. But I have my triggers which bring those all back in a fevered rush which overwhelm and paralyze my body until its completely numb, as if I don't exist for a few minutes. Whether it be going back to the same hospital, going back to my grandfathers house, going into the room where she stayed, or hearing about a death in general, a key unlocks those images, feelings and emotions and I lose myself. For me I don't think that it will ever go away. The rush and confusion of anger, sadness and pain is unimaginable that comes with every trigger chips away at myself until nothing is left. I hate to write about this, but i just had another flashback and had to get it off my chest.

peace & love

Home is where the heart is

Today I went back to the local park by my house where I've played ball since the sixth grade. I built my game there. I used to shoot all the time because I was too small and couldn't go inside. The hard fouls and the bullshit calls made there made me tougher and made me just play my game. It was one of the places where I first dunked a basketball, which will be a memory that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The love i've felt from people at the park will always stay with me. It has been my sanctuary for me. When going through hard times, its a place where i can shoot for hours until my pain leaves. It is a place where i can shoot and shoot for hours until its dark, and then shoot some more. It helped to give me confidence and realize that i'm not as bad as I think I am. The sad thing about the park is that it also showed me tales of people before my time whose game was great but never went anywhere with there lives. The fact that I see the same people evey time in the same state shows me that some of these people will stay in college point for the rest of their lives. I mean i love my town and the people in it. They brought me up, made me tough, helped me develop my game. My family has stayed here for 28 years. Its in my blood and my soul. But like the rest of my town I can't stay here forever. I don't want to die here. I want to go out and make a name for myself and eventually I want to come back here and help the youth and show them that they can make it out of here. To show them that there's more to life than just selling. I mean I don't live in the hood, but it's not the greatest place in the world. We have our mixture of gangs and violence. There's not a day where the sirens don't send me off to sleep. I mean coming back and seeing kids grow up it scares me. I mean i'm seeing kids now who seemed so innocent, but then they go into the wrong crowd and their lives go downhill from there. They start drinking and smoking at such an early age and it kills me inside. I mean I used to coach these kids when they were five and six years old, and to see them on the path that there on gets me everytime because I know what they could be better than that. They just follow the other fuck ups and stay here. I mean I will always love this place, but honestly not a lot of people get out of here and make something of themselves. I mean even kids I've grown up with have changed for the worst. I saw one of my boys today and realized that he's been to rikers island, gotten kicked out of his own house, is on food stamps and won't know where he'll be living in the next few months. And honestly it hurts me inside because he's been one of my friends since the 8th grade and I love him to death. But he's just so ignorant and won;t even go back to get his g.e.d. or a diploma. I wanted to yell at him for being that way, but I could never change his mind. He straight up said fuck school, if its not something that I need to know, then I'm not sitting in that class room, the streets have taught me most of what I need to know in life. Thats some wild shit to say. And then he goes about talking about how he's gonna get his rap game off the ground with a couple of battles. I haven't heard him do his thing of the mic, but I don't think that he's gonna be going platinum anytime soon. It just kills me to see the way he's going right now. I have to support him because he's my boy, but that doesn't mean that I like what he's doing. It's just that I know that he can do better than that. Unfortunately that's how a lot of people in my town are. They have all the potential in the world, but they end up blowing it on some stupid shit. I love my town to the point where I wanna come back and by my home from the owner. The memories that I've had here, both good and bad have helped me grow into the man and the person that I am today. The lesssons that I've learned from the streets have helped me as well, because you can't learn everything from your parents, you have to go out and experience it for yourself, and I've definitely experienced my fair share of things. When i'm older, I want to come back here and help the youth get out of here. I want them to realize that they can do better than this small part of Queens and that they can better their situation. Unfortunately there isn't anyone who can do that today. I want these kids to experience life to the fullest yet the fullest is only the borders of this town for most. This helps to drive me everyday to try and get out of here. The motivation from this town is more then enough. This town is full of blue collar workers who bust their ass everyday, where nothing is given to them and they have to earn everything that you have, whether it be money or respect. The thing is that you can either come from two directions which are a hard working family or your selling, and thats just the way it is. That "hard work" attitude will stay with me and will be passed on through my family because of this town. This place will always stay with me in my heart as will those who have helped me, but hopefully my world will be bigger than the boundaries of College Point.

When I dream of fairytales I think of me and shelly

I dont know why i get so nervous, at times but i do. Whether it be from basketball to schoolwork to girls, i get nervous. I over analyze way too much instead of just reacting. Whether it be the fear of screwing up, getting a bad grade or getting rejected, it always lurks like a silent killer in the back of my head, waiting for that one shining moment where I think that im in the zone and then it strikes like an assassin. It leaves my body paralyzed and lets my brain go a thousand miles an hour with my life flashing before my eyes as everything fades to black in only a few seconds. Then later that night I toss and turn as what I really wanted to do or say comes to me before i sleep leaving me up before i eventually pass out. Its really not a good habit, especially with the girls. Its like I just freeze at times and then before i know it she leaves before the words can come out of my mouth. This song just somes it up for me. I just got to stop being nervous and figure it out. I mean there is this one girl but i doubt it will happen, hopefully it will, but for now i just got to deal with it.

- peace & love

Fuck it

Family weddings are always interesting to say the least, especially with my family. Not to say that this wedding was horrible but far from it. It took me a few trys to realize that there was no general public around the reception, and if there was then the general consensus was to say fuck it, and have a good time, regardless of how stupid or embarassing you may look. Lord knows my sister did whose dance moves consisted of the hip check and something between the funcky chicken and the sprinkler. It was also nice to see my parents finally relax a bit and have a good time. Another guy who had a good time was my dad. Really don't know how that guys liver still works and how he danced that much. There was something a bit interesting was that he actually began to offer me beers, as lame as that sounds. Coming from my parents who were crazy strict finally pulled a fuck it of their own and loosened up a bit. As bad as it is to say, if there was a wedding on my dads side of the family, i dont think it would have been as big or as fun. I mean i love them, i mean their family, but i just feel that my moms side just knows how to have a good time and dont give a fuck about much else. It definitely made me realize that i care way to much what people think and you just have to be yourself and deal with what comes along with that whether it be good or bad. Thinking back about it now over the past year, my personal favorite moments have happened because someone said "fuck it." Whether it be with ball, school work or just hanging out with friends, it turned out well. I overthink shit way too much which usually causes me to not take chances. I know the famous "an unexamined life is not worth living" quote, but what is an overexamined life? To me thats just stressful. I gotta get to the point where i can just push away my conscience and just react instead of thinking. At the same time cant just go without discretion to everything that comes to you. I'll just have to figure it out one way or another.

peace & love

Damn its been a while

Its been a year since ive done anything with this thing right now. Actaully thought that i deleted this bad boy, but luckily I thought wrong and found it again. I've found this insatiable need to write ever since taking an english class again this semester. After not having one for almost a year and then being shoved right into it made me forget how I actually liked to write and express my opinions. Also this will help me to put some thoughts out which i really should let go or atleast shouldn't be said in public. So yeah here I am. This first year of college has blown by so quickly. The rate at which things happened this past year was rediculous. The ups and the downs, the friends made and the things that happened with them are ones that I'll keep with me for the rest of my life. From sports, to class, to the social life my eyes were definitely opened to a new and different group of people. Not to say that different is bad, but just interesting. I'm glad to have the different, just makes life more interesting. I got to stop using that word but my vocab is slacking right now so ill give myself a break.
The people not from NYC, which are most of them, at my school still just seemed too nice. I mean not to say that its bad, it actually freaked me out and it took me a while to get used to. I mean people just being that open to others freaked me out. With me coming where you have to watch what you say and who you say it to, made it a bit awkward. I mean some of these kids have no filter. They'll just walk right up to some random ass people and be like whats good. If that shit was said back here they'd be grilled and told get the fuck away from me, i dont know you. Shit at first I even grilled people and was like who the fuck are you? I guess it comes from just having to watch yourself. Seeing random thousands of people everyday on the train and the great silence that comes with it. I'm not gonna start a random conversation with someone on the train just cause theyre sitting next to me. Im gonna sit there with my headphones and bump my music and keep to myself, unless i'm with a friend. Its like the unwritten rule of the subway, you don't talk to random ass people unless your crazy, homeless, selling candy, singing, or preaching that the world is gonna end. At the same time it helped me to realize that not everyones an asshole either and that their are some really nice people out there. Not to say that New Yorkers aren't nice, but they don't show it all the time, thats for damn sure. Getting back to the weirdness, people told me to turn my music down in the beginning of the year because it was too loud when i was walking on the sidewalk. Wtf, just because i have it that way, if you dont like it gfy, seriously, you can walk ahead of me. Also people would just look and smile all the time either at me or other people and i would say to myslef what the fuck are you looking at? But thats just how some of those people are.
Believe it or not some of it did rub off on me because you gotta have fun at college because as they all tell you, and by they i mean parents, siblings, exc., it will be the "best years of your life." And usually being friendly helps when going out cause no one wants to be that guy. Unfortunately that culture shock will probably happen every year because i don't think i'm ever gonna get away from completely acting like that. But its whatever.
I also noticed that some of these kids have money out the asshole. I mean really these people have money on top of money. It seems like most of them don't know the value of a dollar. Its not like i dont like them, some of them are my friends, but they way they treat money is wreckless to me. I mean even my roomate, who is well off, lost 300 bones on one bet in a ball game. Like seriously dude, 300 dollars, that feeds my family for two weeks and then some. Also theres people that get money every week from their parents. Every week, and the shit could be anywhere from 100 to 200 bones a week. Are you kidding me? What the fuck. They spend that shit like its nothing, save that up and you get almost 3 gs at the end of the year. That stuff just blows my mind. At times I wish i was in there position, but then I realized that i'm thankful for what I have and the things I know. That was another the freaked me out because i've never really been around people that could go and drop 100 bucks at the small and not be the least bit self conscious that they just dropped that much. I mean i get mad at myself for dropping like twenty bucks on something, and some kids spend money like its their job. And everytime they go home they get a couple hundred, just for going home, like really?
Another thing that i realized is that so far this past year was a cakewalk. Like literally this has been the easiest year of schooling in like the past two or three years. Like my high school was so much more stressfull than this. Maybe it was the classes I took, but still, I was like laughing at shit. Hopefully i can get more of a challenge next year, because that stuff made me bored. Most of it was review I guess, but hopefully next year will be different. Reading over this i definitely sound like a cocky dude, but really, i need something new. Hopefully nutrition helps me out with that next year. Makes me sound like a bit of a nerd, but i guess i am a bit.
Sports were different too. I mean i'm glad I made varsity and played some decent minutes but the year still sucked for me. I mean in the beginnig and even during the year the practices were easier than they were in high school. We ran a bunch more and practices were easily two hours. This past year it was an hour and a half, and we were out. My year was trash. At first i was playing really well, especially in the scrimmages, in the first couple games i was getting decent burn, but my performance was slacking and because of that my minutes went down. Shit was depressing at times. It was either a decent day or I would just not be part of anything. It got to the point where i just wanted to quit because i was only playing like a minute or not even playing at all. I def didn't like my situation, but i gotta work at it because i know i can play with these dudes and do well, but i guess it just wasnt my year. Even thinking about it now makes me tight. But i just gotta keep working, fuck everyone else and what theyre doing and just play my game. The only good thing was that i wasnt hurt this year at all for the first time since the eighth grade. Being injured for 4 straight years fucked with my self esteeem so much that i didn;t even think id play college ball, but i proved myself wrong. Especially since i was gassed up with kids saying that i would be the best at my high school and then getting hurt. My high school career sucked in so many ways. I just wanna prove those people wrong with my college career and then shove it in their fucking faces. Anyway my bungees got a lot better which made me happy. The feeling at times was like I was flying or close to it and ill never forget that for the rest of my life. Hopefully with my work this summer things will turn around.
Another thing that i realized was that I really missed the food from home. I mean I would give my left nut for a good bagel or slice of pizza when I was up there. I mean really its just not the same at all. Some kids would eat the school pizza and be like its the best thing ive ever had. It just made me look at them and be like, wait what? and then i'd realized that they weren't from New York and felt sorry for them because they haven;t experienced the greatness that is real pizza. I mean when you order that shit they don't have slices, that shit freaked me out, especially since i couldn;t fold my food. That and chinese food. I mean the chinese food thier is cheap but again, just wasn;t the same.
Even though it was all different, the people, the campus, ball, the classes, I still liked it up there a lot. I mean i liked the small setting where you ended up knowing most of the people and where you were, it was kind of nice to see familiar faces and be with your friends cause the bonds you make with those people are so strong. It was ot the point where when people were leaving that some where crying cause their friends were leaving or they were leaving their friends. To me it seemed a bit rediculous, cause really, you'll be seeing those people in the summer, and its only a three month break and were right back at school, but then again people made some strong bonds. I know i definitely did, because it feels like I got a whole new family at that school. All in all, it was a crazy experience for the lack of a better term, and the friends that ive made their will always have a specail place with me. Damn, it feels good to get that off of my chest, I gotta do this shit more often.
- peace & love